The Finding
by Jusrecht
Summary: Finding isn’t about the person. It’s about the heart. AsuKiraAsu


**Title: The Finding  
Author: Jusrecht**

**Pairing:** AsuKira or KiraAsu. I honestly don't know. That they are dominating each other is all I can say

**Warnings: **Aside from male/male relationship, there will be some SPOILERS and a lot of swearing. The guys are older here, about twenty-three or twenty-four, which also means that I may have played with their characterizations a bit. But you know, wars change people and all that stuff. Oh, and I'm using a different style of writing for this fic, so hopefully it doesn't confuse anyone. The last but not least, this is an AU for the end of Destiny, particularly regarding Athrun's decision after the second war.

**Disclaimer: **At this point, I think it should have been obvious that I don't own Gundam SEED.

**Summary:** Finding isn't about the person. It's about the heart. (AsuKiraAsu)

**A/N: **This is a short story, only about four or five chapters, so don't worry. I hope you enjoy the read.

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**Chapter One: To Find**

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The house was small and old, a derelict testimony of the cold, merciless past, and yet it fit its yellow backdrop of plain and trees bathed in sunset and the orange-coloured sky. Grey ruins rose in the distance and the birds were singing their requiem for the end of the day, a haunting melody, but everything was lost on Kira. He stood in front of the door of the house, unsure and nervous, afraid of what – _who_ – would greet him once the door swung open.

It had been too long. Three years of endless search and countless days and nights of nothing but bleeding emptiness. He could not bear to be wrong again, not for his soul to remain intact after continuous flaring of hopes followed always by them plummeted to the darkest hell.

Kira closed his eyes. This would be the last. Breathing deeply to steel himself, he brought up a slightly trembling hand and placed a train of knocks on the wooden entrance, dreading every second he had to pass in waiting.

Only silence answered. His heart sped up when he tried the door and found it unlocked, opening with a creak that sounded almost like a warning to uninvited guests. Like himself. Kira took a deep breath and stepped inside, ignoring his heart which was banging wildly against his ribcage. It was almost dark inside, the last rays of sun streaming down from the window at the other side of the room not enough to let him discern beyond sparse furnishings and the confines of dull grey wall.

He halted at the center of the small room and waited, hardly daring to breathe. The house remained quiet, as if ignoring his rigid presence and the silence became more and more disquieting as seconds ticked by. It was either the dwelling was uninhabited or the dweller had quickly moved away once getting wind of his coming.

Kira couldn't decide which one was actually better.

Looking around, he took a few more steps forward, approaching the white cloth which hung slackly covering an entrance to another room. It was smaller, darker, with what appeared to be simple bedding pushed to one side of the wall and a little cabinet crowding the remaining space, under a small glassless window. The room was empty.

There was no one in the house.

Wondering idly how one would be able to sleep in a case of heavy rain with that shield-less window, Kira put his hand on the wooden cabinet, running a finger on its rough surface. Not a sprinkle of dust. Struck by a sudden realization, he opened one of the three drawers and found small piles of simple clothing, folded and kept with such neatness which made his heart soar with hope. Neatness was a trait encouraged – if not obliged – in military service and, as far as Kira remembered, was practiced in the most obedient manner by a certain former member of ZAFT.

The one he was looking for.

His heart throbbed painfully in his chest as he remembered a pair of emerald eyes, looking at him quietly from behind dark blue bangs. He had been a fool. He had not realized until the one he loved beyond everything went away and disappeared without a trace. The shock had been too great, the realization too sudden, and the havoc his best friend had left behind too hectic. The Supreme Commander of ZAFT had vanished.

Athrun.

Kira had taught himself not to act rashly and so he had waited and waited, but not a word came. He had continued to do nothing, ignoring his world which was falling apart around him, because he couldn't believe that Athrun had left without a good reason. It had gone on until Cagalli pulled him aside at one Christmas evening, and asked him to look for their missing friend. She would have gone herself, but ORB was a ship and she was her captain, wheel, soul, _everything_, and one couldn't exist without the other. Lacus, now the new Chairwoman of PLANT, could not even find a loophole in her schedule and visit them for Christmas. He had agreed, his job as an author allowing him to have a more tolerant schedule than any of the women, and held her in his arms, lamenting how thin she had become throughout the year.

It hadn't been long until he grew desperate. He never met anyone who could disappear so utterly without a trace like this, even though he had told himself over and over again that it was to be expected. Trying everything he could think of, eventually there were results. All of them ended in disappointment but Kira did not lose hope and sought for many other new methods while keeping track to his old ones. He sniffed around, looked into every object and detail, turned every stone. He skimmed every article in every newspaper every day, and even went as far as writing a book about them, of their torn friendship and its grueling renewal, of war and desperation and hope, only on a completely different canvas.

Cagalli didn't have enough leisure time to be able to read novels, but she never missed any of his books. And one morning, he found her at breakfast looking at him through suspiciously bright golden eyes, his newest book set on the white tablecloth next to a steaming coffee mug.

"_Find him, Kira."_

It was not an order, not a plea. It was only what she wanted to say. Not trusting himself to say anything in reply without embarrassingly bursting into tears, he only nodded and she smiled.

Again, it was not as easy as it seemed.

He had lost count on the number of quests he had taken on to find Athrun, and as years went by, clues became scarcer and traces cooler. It was clear that his best friend did not want to be found. Kira had no intention of giving up, but he knew he was a hair's breadth away from completely breaking down when Miriallia came to him with news, not exactly recent and yet igniting another shred of hope in him. A small town near Quebec, she said, carefully as to not flare too much hope in him. A young man, possibly Coordinator, had begun to reside there since almost three years ago. A very nice young man, the local postman had told her informant. Polite, taciturn, handsome with midnight-blue hair at shoulder-length. Green eyes.

With that much information, it was impossible for Kira not to feel slightly optimistic.

Four days had passed since his departure and this was where the information had taken him. Once he had reached the town – more of a large hamlet in the valley of a hill, sparse population, half of its region already destroyed by a fragment of Junius 7 six years ago – it wasn't difficult to find the house of the young man in question.

Kira looked around once more, trying to notice a sign, any hint which might let him know more about the occupant of the small house. A young man with midnight-blue hair and green eyes. It must be Athrun. Who else would possess those features along with disposition fine enough to be polite, nice and quiet, and had only lived here for almost three years? It had to be Athrun. It had to. Because Kira didn't know what he would do if…

The breath he took in was shaky. Hopes and nerves; never a good combination.

Barely a second later, he froze as a familiar cocking sound reached his ear, followed by an even more familiar voice.

"Turn around slowly before I'm forced to shoot you."

More out of fear of another brutal crashing of his hopes than the icy threat, he slowly turned around, mouth suddenly dry and heart pounding wildly in chest. The first thing he saw was the tip of a handgun and Kira didn't need anyone to tell him that it was aimed at a spot precisely between his eyes. For a short moment, he felt his stomach lurched, because who would kill someone who merely trespassed into their home? Athrun surely wouldn't.

But just a little further, green eyes framed by midnight-blue hair stared at him, recognition slowly, almost reluctantly dawning in them. Kira felt every fiber in his body tightened. God. _Finally._ It was Athrun, his best friend, the love of his life. Three years couldn't help but make a few differences – his skin had lost a little of its pallor and his mundane outfits were certainly nothing the old, fashionable Athrun Zala would see fit to wear – but it _was_ Athrun.

"Kira?" his name reverberated in the small room and Kira felt himself shudder at the sound of that deep, rich voice. It had been too long.

He managed a trembling little smile. "Athrun."

The gun was slowly lowered, those green eyes never leaving his face for a moment, and the owner stammered, "What– how– why are you...here?"

It wasn't what he expected. Disappointed and hurt by the absence of warmth from his old friend's voice, Kira countered coolly, "Why are _you_?"

A new emotion trickled into Athrun's face and Kira almost hit himself for not being able to hold his tongue. His friend had taken great efforts to cover his track, which meant that there must be reasons why. To just shoot the question squarely was beyond stupid.

"Is that why you're here? To take me back?" the usually gentle voice sounded guarded, colder.

Refusing to answer first, Kira frowned and pressed on. "Why did you leave?"

Athrun looked away and put his gun on the top of the drawer. "I have my own reasons," he replied without looking at his uninvited guest. Kira realized that it was what he was here. Uninvited.

"Cagalli needs you."

His friend's smile was bland. "We're not a couple anymore."

"I know," he said softly and risked a step forward, disappointed when Athrun's gaze darted quickly to his feet. "Cagalli told me. Is that why you left?"

"I'm not going back," the response was quick but evasive.

Kira folded his arms in front of his chest, as always when he played the defense. The _stubborn_defense. "Then I'll stay," he declared.

Athrun looked up and glared at him. "No, you won't. This isn't your place, Kira. Go home."

"Is this your place then?" he retorted, the words coming out more cutting than he meant to.

Athrun seemed to pick up his change of mood immediately and decide to proceed with a different tactic. "Please understand," he said quietly, almost pleading. "I cannot return. Not now. Not ever."

"I don't believe you," Kira stated, his eyes narrowing. That it was the wrong card to play was made clear to him when Athrun mirrored the action and turned around.

"Suit yourself," he muttered and left the room.

-----

"No gas? Are you serious?"

They were in the bigger room. Since the house was only divided into two rooms, Kira decided to call them those: the bigger room and the smaller room. He supposed he could call the bigger room 'the big room', but it wasn't even big, so it felt wrong somehow. Kira wouldn't call his own house big and this one was so much smaller in size. To call any part of it 'big' was dangerously overrating, not to mention, ridiculous. And the fact that he even allowed these thoughts to occupy the smallest portion of his mind really disturbed him.

Kira returned his attention to the present and to his best friend – or his glaring, former best friend, depending on how one looked at the situation at hand – who was standing in front of his small kitchen. His small, ancient wanna-be-kitchen, if Kira might add, because a kitchen _shall not_ be called kitchen unless it could support a fairly civilized cooking method. Firewood should not even go anywhere near it, let alone be employed and involved in the process of cooking.

"If that bothers you, just leave and return to whatever part of civilization you want to live in," Athrun shot back, obviously irritated.

Kira didn't bother to hide his grin. "You do know that it won't work on me, don't you?"

Athrun gave him a dark look. "Feel free to enlighten me, o clever one."

It was a chance to good to let pass and Kira seized it. "First of all, you haven't even told me why you're here of all places you can hide yourself in. Is it the people? Or is it because this place is so remote? Or maybe–"

"Kira."

"–because life is not easy here? I always know you're a masochist. But there is something else, right? You're running away from something, Athrun, I can tell–"

"_Kira_." His friend's tone of voice was sharper, colder, and so were the eyes that were looking straight at him. "Drop it."

"It's three fucking years, Athrun," he snapped, anger suddenly tearing up his patience, leaving it shredded and completely unidentifiable in the pit of his stomach. "I do think you owe me an explanation at least."

Athrun didn't reply and continued to busy himself with preparing dinner. Kira glowered at him but then realized that it was pointless since his friend was already facing the other way. This was not a game he was keen to play and Athrun was starting to frustrate him.

Whatever. He was staying. He would stay here for as long as it was needed to break through his friend's defenses. He wanted answers.

When Athrun put two bowls of stew on the table, he tried again. "Why here?"

"If you ask me that question again, I'll throw you out," the other growled at him.

Kira raised his eyebrows. _Can you?_

The fact that Athrun glared at him was enough of an answer and he allowed himself a little grin.

Dinner proceeded in silence. Kira ate his portion without really tasting it, his mind hunting for every possible method he could try to solve this sticky situation. Athrun was seldom very stubborn, but he knew that this was one of those rare opportunities when he got to see that side of him.

He had to admit that he was confused. As far as he knew, Athrun had been leading a very sheltered life – that was to say, he knew nothing about living sparsely within the limits of poverty, and Kira was talking about all sectors in life, not just physical needs. Prestige and acknowledgment meant a lot to him. He was used to be the smartest, the prodigy, the ace, the best of the best. Maybe he wasn't arrogant in the shallow sense, but he liked to be important, to be needed.

And now he was here.

It just looked so wrong to Kira. Or maybe he didn't know Athrun as well as he thought. He looked down, his writer's fingers skimming over the rough surface beneath them. It was nothing like the mahogany smoothness of Cagalli's dining table and he was forced to reevaluate his earlier judgment. Maybe he was thinking too little of the soldier in his best friend. Maybe that superiority complex didn't exist. Maybe something had happened that forced his friend to change.

Surprisingly, it was Athrun who broke the silence in the end.

"How is Cagalli? And Lacus?"

"Busy as hell," Kira answered, carefully watching any flicker of emotion which might cross his friend's face, and continued with an injured tone of voice, "but they're fine and their schedules keep them busy, unlike someone who has too much time in his hands and can only spend it by thinking and worrying where the hell his best friend is despite knowing that said best friend doesn't even give a damn."

The look on Athrun's face was torn somewhere between frustrated and amused. "Why can't you just say that you're angry with me?"

"I don't like short sentences," he answered offhandedly and fixed the other man a stern look. "Athrun, they want you back. I want you back and I will bring you back. So let me just tell you that I won't take one step out of this house before I manage to do just that."

Athrun didn't answer and again silence settled heavily over them. Kira had to resist an urge to sigh deeply, not only because it would be the thousandth or so time he was doing it today, but also because it would be an admission of defeat. And he was not done. No, Sir. He intended to take each and every step of this long, possibly painful journey and follow it to the very end, whatever that might be.

There was, however, one problem which was slowly making itself obvious as the night deepened and every other activity had no choice but to cease under insufficient lighting.

The sleeping arrangement.

Athrun, he noticed anxiously, did not seem to be bothered by this. Whether it had yet to cross his mind or he already had an idea how to solve this problem – which Kira still found relatively unsolvable – was also a puzzle. Unless there was a secret door leading to a secret room somewhere in the house, using the bed together was the only…

Kira mentally shook his head and decided at once that the floor was a vastly better choice – and not to mention, safer. This would not be a good time to let his friend know what he had been hiding from him – and the rest of the world except Cagalli – for almost five years.

"Go to sleep if you're tired," Athrun suddenly said without looking up from his task cleaning the kitchen.

"Where will I be sleeping?" Kira asked warily. Knowing his best friend, a proposal for him to sleep on the floor was entirely outside the realm of possibility.

"In the bed of course," Athrun looked at him strangely like it should have been obvious. "Where else?"

Right. This was Athrun, it _should_ have been obvious. Kira suppressed an urge to sigh and shook his head. "No, the bed is yours."

"You're the guest here."

"So? You're the owner of the bed."

"Don't be stubborn, Kira," Athrun frowned, starting to look annoyed. "You're my guest. Of course you get the bed."

"Do you think I will concede to a reason as prosaic as that?"

"You take the bed or I'll sleep outside."

_Spoken like a true masochist._ Kira couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Then I'll sleep on the floor," he shot back.

"You really want this to be a bloodbath?"

"Or I'll sleep outside too."

"That's stupid."

"Speak for yourself."

They glared at each other, hands balled and eyes narrowed. Kira was almost certain that this would really turn into the aforementioned bloodbath when Athrun suddenly broke into a fit of chuckles. He could only stare, openmouthed, as the chuckles gave way to the hearty sound of laughter, and before he knew it, he was already laughing himself.

"Stubborn ass," his best friend said, almost affectionately.

"Heartless bitch," he easily parried, a smirk on his face.

"At least a bitch is smarter than an ass."

"Not necessarily. Ever heard something like an ass will not fall in the same hole twice?"

"That only confirms how an ass is a veritable standard of stupidity."

"I seem to know that bitches exist way below that standard."

"Ouch, Kira. You've just insulted half of the world's dog population."

At that point, Kira just had to burst out laughing. "Half of the world's dog population? What the– Athrun, that is just so unbelievably lame! Is three years living alone finally dulling your edge?"

"You only said that because you couldn't find a decent riposte," his friend said calmly.

Kira quickly sobered up. "No, I didn't."

Athrun raised his eyebrows, obviously suppressing a smirk. "Trying to save a face, are we?"

_Well, damn it, he doesn't lose any edge._ "All right," Kira held up a hand, admitting defeat. "You win, but that's only because I'm tired from the long journey. I'll take half of the bed and so will you. Is that a deal?"

"Deal." Athrun's smile was small but bright and Kira suddenly had the strangest urge to kiss him on the spot. It surprised him for a moment, but he quickly chased it away. To follow unhealthy urges right now would do more bad than good. There would be other chances once he could get his best friend to return with him.

Hopefully, it wouldn't make him run away again.

He stopped in front of the doorway leading to the other room, one hand holding the covering open, and glanced back at Athrun. "Hey, about before…"

"It's not a big deal, Kira."

He turned around fully, a hand on his hips. "Do you even know what I'm talking about?"

Even under the dim candlelight, he could see the amusement in his friend's eyes. "The 'bitch' part, right?"

"Yeah."

Athrun smirked at him. "Go to bed, stubborn ass."

Kira obeyed without protest. He fell asleep with a smile on his face, grateful that at least some things between them didn't change.

_End Chapter One_

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**Notes: **Well, there it is, part one of four. Thank you for reading and please tell me what you think, if it's too weird, OOC, or just, you know, spectacular gets shot


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